The Path of Uncertainty

those things I told you I wasn’t afraid of anymore -

that I had moved past,

that I was now so sure would be ok…

I told you I was excited, life would work itself out in time,

there was no need to worry.

I lied.

I’m still afraid — still full of doubt.

contemplating where I could have gone different and what that would have meant.

comparing my life to everyone else’s,

seeing how nothing has changed since I’ve been gone and yet everything has.

confused about who would understand that -

if I even understand it myself.

where do I grow from here?

where do I go from here?

how do I move past this fear that’s sitting heavy on my chest?

how do I remove the hands of doubt that grip my throat?

how do I move through the worry that leaves my hands shaking and my head pounding?

how do I sit with this all — knowing none of it defines me and yet still shapes me?

how do I breathe deeper — moving past the voices in my head as they gain strength?

this isn’t a poem about how love conquers fear and how I’ll move through it all in time —

because undoubtedly I will,

I’ve preached that truth enough.

this poem is for right now — where I sit and how I feel,

the darkness and the hunt for light,

the search to find out who I am — what that means and where I’ll go,

it’s something I don’t know.

not yet, not now.

maybe not ever… as scary as that sounds.

so how do I continue to sit here anyhow?